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A calm, practical look at how happiness really works, with simple ways to feel more balanced day to day.
What is this notion that we should be happy all the time in order to live a successful life? Free of stress and challenges. Free from negativity and strife. Free from anything that makes us feel bad or sad in life.
Do you know what the real answer is? There’s no such thing as being happy all the time.
Yet a lot of people put pressure on themselves to achieve that. We put enormous pressure on ourselves as human beings to be in control of everything around us, telling ourselves we should be happy all the time! That we should have it all figured out all the time. That being unhappy or struggling with life is a sign of negativity and weakness.
We see other people seem to be managing just fine … so why doesn’t it feel that way for us? It’s not something we tend say out loud, and it can leave us wondering: what actually is happiness, and why does it sometimes feels so hard to obtain?
What happiness really is (and what it really isn’t)
Happiness isn’t a constant state of feeling good. It’s not being positive all the time.
And it’s not having a life where nothing ever goes wrong. In real life, happiness is a lot more subtle than that.
It can look like:
- feeling more settled in yourself
- having the capacity to cope with what’s in front of you, at any given time
- noticing small moments of calm, connection or clarity about life
- not feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once
- Feeling loved and supported in a community that feels real and safe
It comes and it goes, this stuff of life. It moves and it shifts. And that’s completely “normal”.
There’s also something worth understanding about the way we think about happiness.
You may or may not hear people talk about hedonic happiness and eudaimonic happiness. Hedonic happiness is the kind most of us chase – feeling good, being comfortable, enjoying life’s pleasures.
Eudaimonic happiness is a bit different. It’s about meaning, growth, feeling connected to yourself and your life in a deeper way. Both matter, but if we only focus on chasing the “feel good” moments, it can leave us feeling like something is missing. I’ll talk more about this in future blogs, because once you understand the difference, it becomes much clearer why happiness doesn’t always look the way we expect it to.
So why is it so hard to feel happy sometimes?
We’re living in a way that human beings were never really designed for. Life is faster, louder and more demanding than it’s ever been, with constant information, pressure, and very little real pause.
Most of us are moving from one thing straight onto the next, often without giving our mind or body a chance to reset. Over time, that builds into a low-level state of stress that starts to feel normal. When your system is carrying that much, it becomes much harder to access calm, let alone happiness, not because it isn’t there, but because your body hasn’t had the space to feel safe enough to experience it.
There isn’t anything “wrong” with you. There are a few very real reasons why happiness can feel out of reach. Through knowing these, I promise you will feel much better about how you deal with life, and the world around you.
- Your brain is wired for survival, not happiness
Your mind (brain) is constantly scanning for problems, risks and things that might go wrong. That’s not a flaw, it’s how we’re built for survival as human beings. However, it means we often notice what’s not working far more than what is.
- You’re trying to think your way out of how you feel
When something feels uncomfortable, we often go straight into problem-solving mode.
We replay conversations. We overthink decisions. We try to “figure it all out” until we hit that proverbial brick wall.
Sometimes what we actually need isn’t more thinking – it’s gaining more of a sense of safety, calm and comfort in the body. There are ways of achieving this, to help you feel a better sense of safety, calm and comfort.
- Your (nervous) system might be overwhelmed
If you’ve been stressed, busy or “on the go” for a long time, your body can stay in a heightened state without you even realising it. When that happens, feeling calm, let alone happy, can feel nigh on impossible to obtain. Not because it isn’t there, but because your system doesn’t feel safe enough to settle.
- You’ve been taught to chase happiness instead of building it
“I’ll be happy when…” When things calm down. When I’ve sorted everything. When life looks different. But happiness doesn’t tend to arrive all at once like that.
It’s usually built in small, steady ways, not found at the end of a finish line or by walking round a corner where a miraculous light shines and beckons you to true happiness.
By stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, by thinking about how to rest more and take one step at a time, it will help you create the life you want and deserve.
What actually helps (and it might be simpler than you think)
This may come as a surprise to some people – but the key to happiness isn’t about doing more. It’s about doing things differently! Small things. Simple things. The kind that don’t look or feel important – but in fact, they really are.
You might try:
- Drinking more water: even mild dehydration can affect energy, clarity and how we feel day to day
- Eating mood enhancing food: how’s your diet? Are you eating enough of the essential stuff in your diet?
- Changing the “channel” in your mind: shifting your attention to something simple and grounding when thoughts start to loop
- Coming back into your body: noticing your breath, your feet, your hands… allowing tension to soften throughout your body.
- Placing a hand on your heart: a small but powerful way to signal safety to your nervous system
- Choosing being kinder to yourself over being perfect: asking “what’s the kindest and easiest way I can do this today?”
- Resting more than you think you should: constant doing, without pause, leads to burnout. Are you getting enough sleep? If you struggle with sleep, what are you doing to improve it?
- Talking to someone: do you get to talk to people day to day? Is there someone you can talk to, even just for a chat?
- Getting outside into nature: take a walk (if that’s possible). Even a short walk or getting outside will make all the difference to your day.
- Removing yourself from technology: stop the doom scroll and starting at a screen all day. It affects your wellbeing in so many ways.
These things sound small. But they’re not. They’re some of the solid foundations that allow your nervous system to settle – and when your system settles, your capacity to feel better begins to return.
If you keep saying to yourself – “but I don’t have time to slow down!” that’s a sign that you need to pay more attention to the signs that you need to slow down. What about that saying, “More haste, less speed”. Think about its meaning:
You make better progress with a task (or your life) if you don’t try to do it too quickly.
A different way of looking at it
You’re not failing at happiness. And you are definitely not the only one who feels like this. We ALL feel like this from time to time, and if anyone says they don’t then I don’t believe them!
It’s not that happiness is missing, it’s that your mind and body haven’t been given the support they need to experience it. And they aren’t getting the support they need to experience it consistently.
And you don’t have to do things on your own.
There are some brilliant resources available across the UK if you’re looking for support, from practical wellbeing guidance through the NHS, to organisations like Mind, to podcasts, audiobooks and guided meditations you can access in your own time. Try introducing some small habits into your daily life – and I promise you, it will always make a difference.
Sometimes information on its own isn’t enough. Sometimes what we really need is:
- consistency
- clear guidance and information
- simple tools we can actually use
- and to be part of a community – a space where we don’t feel like we’re doing it all alone
Happiness isn’t something you arrive at and stay in forever. It’s something you come back to, again and again. And with practice, it’s something that you’ll be able to tap into daily. Often in small, subtle ways. And that is more than enough.
That’s exactly why I created The Happiness Club. It’s a place for real life and for real people who may be going through the trials and tribulations of life. It’s for those moments when things feel a bit wobbly, overwhelming or hard to manage on your own. It’s for people who’ve been carrying a lot in life for far too long and who need support with everyday life.
It’s a place where you can learn how to support yourself in a way that actually works subtly, consistently, and without any pressure.
If you’re curious, you’re always welcome to find out more. You can join at any time and access everything immediately. There’s no long-term commitment, just consistent, and kind support when you need it.
You’re welcome to explore the membership and see if it feels right for you.
